Random-ness in Hong Kong #1

I’m supposed to be study (yet again) but I’m doing all sorts of rubbish (yet again).

Anyway! Wanni reached Hong Kong safe and sound! And she seems to have enjoyed her first day visit to the museum so, yay! Glad that she’s having fun by herself…I was initially quite worried because she came over to find me but darn my lousy TCM timing (finals next week) and I cannot accompany her to do stuff like, go Maccau But I guess I needn’t worry because she’s capable of looking after herself and she’s much more braver and independent than I am :) 

I wouldn’t dare to go abroad all by myself. Seriously. I have some phobia or something :/ I think it stems from that one incident in my childhood whereby I got separated from my mother in this rather big shopping place (I REMEMBER IT’S YAOHAN OMG YAOHAN IS AGES AGO) and till now I could still remember the whole thing clearly and I get that feeling when I think I’m lost or separated from my friends or when my friends get separated away from the group. Lol.

Joyce, my new part-time room mate, just did 2 exciting things. She went to tell off Liqi and Jiemin for talking too loudly in the middle of the night, and right before that she knocked on the door of this garang-looking girl who stays 2 doors away from me and told her off for blowing her harmonica a tad too loudly and too horribly at 1 AM in the morning.

I’ll NEVER do that. I scared she hantum me. The garang-looking girl, not Joyce.

JOYCE THE (WO)MAN. (that’s my shades by the way)

On a similar note, I was so pissed off today I nearly wanted to scold the canteen uncle and auntie serving the 烧腊 items because they were so obviously in the wrong and they kept on scolding Amanda and I JUST BECAUSE WE BLOODY CANNOT CONVERSE IN CANTONESE. I was so frustrated that I nearly wanted to yell at her and said 我已经跟你讲了！but I realise there wasn’t any point anyway because they just simply looked down on people who couldn’t speak their language.

So I satisfied myself by slamming the stupid bowl of rice onto the counter and stormed away.

It’s not that I have a low tolerance for rubbish but I feel that if they’re really in the wrong then they have no right to even accuse us. I don’t go around scolding random people back in Singapore too but what if they really did something wrong on purpose? I remember, there was this boy who kicked a SBL student’s grandma’s shoes away one day, thinking that nobody was looking at him. But I was, because the door was one-way. So I opened the door and told him loudly not to do it again. The boy looked super shocked. Afterwards, I felt like I was a bully…but I really thought it’s not very nice to do it because the student’s grandma is (obviously) an elderly. And the boy kicked it like to the middle of the pathway…what if she couldn’t find it later?

I guess to some people it may seem like I’m very 计较…like ok lar, you’re in Hong Kong, you should just let it be. Why bother right…? If others want to do something wrong, just let it be, since it doesn’t affect you. I guess it’s because I’m the eldest child? So I tend to look out for others and myself…and while I can tolerate (and meanwhile grumble excessively) but if it’s really too much, I refuse to let others step all over us.

Right. Joyce is sleeping! I should too…I can’t seem to finish studying my TCM

On Attracting and Being Attracted

*By ‘average-looking’ people, I define it as people who has 2 ears, 2 eyes, 1 nose and 1 mouth. People who may be really pretty, but sincerely think they’re just average. People who look really normal, and sincerely think there’s nothing wrong with their outward appearances. People who may not be the best looking people around, but feel that then again, realise that there’s nothing wrong with how they look like either.

It’s always a game played between the two sexes when they want to attract each other. We once thought that the guys’ll have to go all out to attract the girls, and the girls have all the right on earth to do the rejecting. But of course, talking about modern times - girls can do just what the guys had done, what was considered the standard operating procedure back then. Girls have to be demure and be courted then, isn’t it.

So…if you’re a single guy, and is playing the field now, you’ll think that every girl who’re friendly and nice to you has an ulterior motive, i.e. trying to attract you. Is it?

Now, I wonder why such guys think that way. Do they really think that they’re the hottest guys around on earth? And that girls SHOULD greet them when they meet them, and that THEY (the guys) have the right to choose whether to respond or not. If they feel, and judged that said girl is not worth responding to, then the girl ends up looking dumb…inevitably in front of a bunch of like-minded stupid males who subscribe to the same theory.

I wonder why it has to be this way…at least for average looking girls who’re just plain friendly towards people. But then again, I acknowledge that there are some pretty nice guys around who obviously don’t read too much into such matters. Hey, that girl was just being friendly.

So maybe, it’s just those average looking guys with unnaturally large and obviously oversized egos, eh?

It leaves me with a weird taste in my mouth when I think of how those guys will ‘compare scores’ and ‘give points’ to every girl whom they had just met. I’ve guy friends who’re like that, and let’s not forget the VERY unforgettable union camp episode with my VERY gentlemently SP. Oh my. Granted, yeah, of course, similary, the very pretty girls (or thinks they’re very pretty anyway) will do just that same thing too. Gleefully compare their suitors, or make the poor guy sweat in front of her girlfriends.

Probably these bunch of people should group together so they can finally stop insulting the rest of the bunch of average-looking girls/guys around. They can be assured of the quality of their spouses if they’re kept within their circle, eh?

And oh yes. Why is it always thought automatically that average-looking people are ALWAYS desperately looking around for potential matches at every opportunity they can get? Even when they’re genuinely just being nice? This really sucks.

Hong Kong People are Really Friendly

Well. Can you detect my sarcasm?

I’ve been here for about a week…and I must say that I’m still adapting…the weather, the food, the hustle and bustle of the city. It’s heavily polluted here and the streets ain’t as clean as Singapore’s. I do love my friends here, because we take care of each other.

I guess one really needs to go out, get out of your comfort zone, 到外面走一走, 才可以知道原来自己有多么渺小，那么微不足道。Hong Kong, a culture and society that’s so different from Singapore. As much as I want to appear strong and independant to everyone else, I’m not that strong after all. I do get scared and silently panic while I appear to be calm when I’m outside alone and separated from my friends. I worry for them when we get separated too, so much so that I’ve forgotten that actually they may be more street-smart and independant than I am. But I know I’ll get used to it soon and will conquer Hong Kong!

(Haha well I need to brush up on my cantonese first.)

I’ve met some nice people around, and some bad ones. It’s like, I always thought that I’ll never befriend any PRCs because they’re so irritating back in NUS? I’ve learnt that it’s not so much so…I just haven’t met the right ones. When someone worthy crosses your path, I guess it doesn’t matter if he or she is a Bangladeshi, Egyptian or a PRC. Laura is a nice girl!

Back in Singapore, it’s always the Singaporeans who’re making bad remarks about PRCs. We’re probably jealous of them…maybe because they are so much better than us in every and any other way. But I’ve met my fair share of some sort of a racial discrimination here, and darn, it doesn’t feel good.

There was this angmoh girl who was extremely rude to me that day. It was raining outside and she had a wet umbrella. We were queuing to get out of the hall to board a bus up the slope and she was standing behind me. I was following up with the crowd and someone up in front stopped, so I stopped too. She probably got irritated with me because she wanted to catch up with her fellow angmoh friends and guess what? She stamped her umbrella onto the floor and splashed all the cold water onto my bare legs. It was a damn rude shock and when I turned around and looked at her, she just glared at me and didn’t bother to apologise…so it was intentional.

I cannot understand the thing with foreigners and their sense of white supremacy. Like, so what if you’re white and I’m an asian? Does that mean that if you (choy) one day require blood when you get into an accident, an asian can’t donate his/her blood to you? It’s so irritating to be on the receiving end…and I guess somehow I can understand how it feels to be from a minority race in Singapore…where people tend to be not so sensitive (but not blatantly mean like that angmoh did).

Then there’s the thing with some Hong Kong-ers. Watching too much TVB dramas is apparently good for me because even though I cannot converse in cantonese, I can understand perfectly well what one is trying to say (provided he doesn’t mumble or speak too fast). I’ve been taking the cab for the past 2 days because we missed the last shuttle bus back to campus and the taxi drivers are nothing but RUDE. There was one ah pek who was very pissed off with us but that’s ok because it was us girls who gave the wrong directions back to the hall.

And the lingerie seller who wanted to beat me up? LOL. I took a photo of her stall without knowing that no photography was allowed. Haha alright that was my fault but I apologised, didn’t I? She didn’t accept it and kept on yelling that she’s gonna beat me up. Oh well. I think she thinks I don’t understand cantonese and was trying to scare me, I guess. But alright lah. I’m not that easily frightened.

The taxi driver I met today with Pinky was really mean. It’s like, the moment we got up the cab, and Amanda said ’CUHK’ to him in cantonese (zong maan daai hok), he started to scold us! Like, HUH? I was seriously offended because Amanda didn’t do anything to him and he was just scolding her like as if she was a bimbo (and she didn’t understand cantonese). He was like niam-ing in cantonese, “don’t know how to speak cantonese still can attend University?! C’mon man’.

Something like that lah.

It makes me feel very frustrated because even though I can understand perfectly what he was saying, I cannotreply him mainly because I didn’t want to start an argument with him in the middle of nowhere (remember CUHK is like in the middle of the mountains) and ANYWAY I COULDN’T SPEAK CANTONESE RAHHHHHH. The feeling is like…very 无奈 because I kept thinking, MAN, if this taxi driver does that to me back in Singapore he’s GOING TO GET IT FROM ME.

So…all in all…these experiences made me miss Singapore more. I miss the familiarity of Singapore and my home. I’m someone who’s very receptive to the government’s NE attempts, you know? Haha. I do love Singapore and I cannot imagine living away from home. But well…one does need such experiences to grow up, and coming to HK has indeed given me such opportunities…to see the world, and to realise my inadequacies. I’m glad I took up the suggestion to come exchange.

I think it’ll be better as the time goes by…when we get used to each other, and this country…and hopefully we leave with good memories, better understandings of each other, and strong friendships that remain for life.

If I Could Live My Life Again

My friend and I were talking online, and we started to talk about what-ifs and all. So she was asking me what would be the one thing I will redo if I can ever live my life again.

Well. There’s a million things to choose from! And some would be deep dark secrets of mine that’ll go into my grave with me so I’d never blog about it here  But if I could ever live my life again, I’d probably choose to listen to my mother when I was young and stop picking at my irritating pimples. Then I wouldn’t be stuck with my irritating facial scars today, yah? Or I could stop myself from eating too much like as if there was no tomorrow, so I wouldn’t weigh like 75 kg once upon a time when I was in secondary school.

But that brings me to the fundamental problem…it wouldn’t be my scars or weight but my self confidence, or the lack of it. I’m the sort of person who worries about how I look or present myself to others. I was the kid with low self-esteem, the one who had problems looking at people in the eye and talk to them without looking away.

As I was growing up, I began to think that it’s easier to train myself not to care, not to bother rather than truly not care or not bother about malicious comments about my weight or my look. But truth was, I did care and it hurts when people inevitably judged my abilities based on my appearance - “She can never take part in sports day ‘cos she can’t run”. Well alright I really can’t run anyway.

In a way, I guess I was lucky because I had friends who didn’t give a damn as to how I looked or what size of clothes I wore. I knew of girls who thought these meant a great deal. And of course, what’s teenage angst without some unreciprocated love? I still remember those earth-shattering words as one senior had put it so bluntly to me:

“Why don’t you go look at yourself in the mirror?”

All in all, I was a teenager with low self esteem. I didn’t grow up feeling unloved…I have friends, and I have good parents and a set of siblings for me to bully. (Oops). But then I didn’t feel loved either. I recalled talking to this same friend years ago, when I was feeling down because my friends got attached, one by one - ”Why was it that nobody loved me? Why didn’t I have a boyfriend?” Was it me, or was it that BGRs are a teenager’s central focus in life?

But then I later decided, after I graduated from secondary school, that it was ok not to have someone to love right then, since I was still young. After all, I could still look for love later on.

And now, fast forward to 6 years later. I’m decidedly NOT the same gawky teenager as I was before. I am still without a love of my life, but now, I’m not complaining about it. I don’t develop crushes easily now, and on good looking people at that. I think good looking guys are generally superficial bastards and that those bad looking ones are actually even more superficial ‘cos they don’t even look at themselves in the mirror. [Bad experience with good looking senior who told me to look at myself in the mirror.]

And of course, I don’t weigh 75 kg (thank god for that) and my acne problem has by and large been solved. I am decidedly more confident than I was 10 years ago. But look at how a low self esteem had made me. Amongst all things, I’m afraid to meet new people, to make friends because I’m afraid of how people will judge me. I don’t even go chasing after males for a romantic relationship - if it’s meant to be then that’s good, if not I wouldn’t hanker over it.

Is it pathetic? To let something of my past bother me now. But I think…what I was in the past has made me who I am today. So I wouldn’t go back to that point in life and change it. If I were pretty in the past, or if I were slim, would I be different? Maybe I’ll be one of those pretty girls who scorn plus-sized girls on a regular basis. =/ Maybe I’ll fall in and out of love so many times that I wouldn’t treaure relationships anymore?

So. If I could live my life again…I wouldn’t. (Besides, I wouldn’t have to go through certain humilations twice :P) And well. Why couldn’t I decide to love myself now rather than go back in time to change myself?

Multitude of Random Thoughts #13

I was reading some article in last week’s Straits Time, and I came across this pretty interesting…concept. The author was describing his/her friend who had committed suicide. Before said friend did that, he ’said his goodbyes’…by deleting himself off wherever he had ‘existed’ on the internet. Meaning his blog, friendster and facebook accounts, etc.

Would you do that? Like, if you had planned your own death, would you remove your every presence, physically and also in the virtual reality, completely?

I think I will do the same.

Sounds morbid. But at the same time I feel that seeking a solution out to your problems by suicide is just plain stupid. Then again I cannot say such a thing because I’ve never been in someone’s shoes before..someone who genuinely feels that there is no way out except death.

But if I were to do such a cowardly act, I will also choose to wipe out every trace of me. Though I know by Locard’s Principle it is not possible to do so, but yeah, figuratively. I have had friends who had passed away…and sometimes when I come across their friendster accounts, I feel…sad. Melancholic. 无奈…Because they’ve passed on but time seems to freeze when you come across something that still contains a piece of them, a fragment of their identity. And the truth hits you on harder when you look at the account details that says, “Last Logged In: XXX years ago”.

Of course, my friend did not commit suicide.

Can this be considered as being considerate for people who had cared for you? In a twisted sense, at least to me, I feel that at least if I did so they can just forget about someone who was once so very much alive and..not dwell in the memories, and just move on with life.

—

I am freaking IRRITATED with my student BOON PING! He is so FREAKING IRRITATING AND I HATE IT because he ALWAYS gets on me and Junjun’s nerves!!!!

BUT THE WORST THING IS THAT HE PRETENDS TO BE SO ANGELIC IN FRONT OF ESTHER BECAUSE HE KNOWS ESTHER LIKES HIM!

OH MY FREAKING GOD!!!

I don’t know how many times I’ve shouted at him today because he was PLAIN IRRITATING!!! ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! It’s like, he KNOWS I am super irritated when he rocks on his chair and counts aloud because I told him to stop it and SO he does it again and again and again and again and again and again!

Wahbiang. 我要骂粗话了. And I NEVER say ‘wahlao’, ‘damn’, ‘他妈的’ in SBL because I don’t want to set a bad example for the kids so I keep tolerating but OMG Boon Ping is seriously testing my limits!

—

I am very scared. Especially for Organometallics. Please please please please please let me at least get a B.

惜福

Have you felt like crying when you see pictures taken from sites of mass disaster? First there was the cyclone that hit Myanmar. Then the Sichuan earthquake. And it irks me to read Singaporeans who’re COMPLAINING about the inefficiencies and everything else on the Sichuan Chengdu side. Yeah I know they can’t wait to get back but can’t they emphatise with the others? 难道那些死掉的不是人吗? 他们不是和你一样，有血有肉有人疼吗?

I was reading the newspaper about the earthquake and there was this particular one in which they showed countless of children being buried under slabs and slabs of concrete wall and stone. It’s just…tangled up limbs and faces drained of life.

There was one which struck me deeply..it’s like I cannot forget her face. It was this little girl - she didn’t look like she was older than 9 or 10 - she was trapped beneath a wall and someone was trying to drag her out. She didn’t look like she was dead - her features looked so peaceful, her cheeks were rosy and she just looked as if she was sleeping. It’s so tragic isn’t it?

And in another interview, a nurse was trying so hard not to cry as she spoke into the camera - she was being asked about the victims and how the hospital was coping. Then the reporter asked her if her family was safe, and she looked as if someone struck her. Then she said,

“我不知道…我的娃娃…没联络上…”

It reminded me of the time when Singapore was hit in SARS, when the healthcare workers were quarantined? But this is 100 times worse because they don’t even know if their families were safe or not but they still chose to continue to help out in the relief work.

We must 惜福.

—

I don’t like it when there’s office politics/conflicts. I’ve said it before. It’s harder for me to handle it because I’m like in the dark 75% of the time since I don’t work there regularly and I don’t make it a point to ask and poke my nose into everyone else’s business. And I don’t want to be involved because I prefer to maintain a neutral stand because in such cases, it’s always best to minimise the hurt and misunderstanding for those parties not directly involved.

I guess it’s inevitable when one of those people around you, be it your colleagues or your friends, excel in certain areas, and you feel a trickle of jealousy. And you feel a little 心理不平衡. It’s normal…but I guess one has to really 看开…especially when the other party has no intention of making you feel small.

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HSA no more

…Because they wanted full commitment right up till school reopens and I’m going to HK

Aiya! Why did they only inform me now, after I decided to apply for HK!!

Lol but on the other hand it’s ok for me because then I don’t have to give up SBL :))) And I get to see my beloved students and I can go for dinner dates with my girlfriends and also do some FYP with Basheer. Woohoo! Hoho I was telling a friend and HE said I was pretending that I was happy. Diao…

Of course I’m not saying that I’m not sad that I’ve to give up HSA, of course I am..it’s an excellent opportunity. I’m more or less sure that I cannot make it into CFS already since they require 2nd Upper Honours (unless suddenly I score all A’s in the rest of my sems). Hmm but strangely I don’t feel like I’ve lost a part of my flesh or anything because I know that there are other ways out..like, 路不转, 人转.

And since I can’t get it then well might as well make full use of my time to do other stuff that’re worthwhile too.

Yesterday a cockroach crawled up my leg and I thought it was a giant fly.

Yikes back to 3242! OMG.

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快乐是一种选择

所以我选择快乐。

I think things happen for a reason. And although I must say that it hasn’t been a good time for such a depressive mood to happen right now, since the exams are round the corner, I’m quite happy beause through these issues I’ve gained quite a bit of insights.

And also Eleen’s analyses were quite…on the spot. I was quite shocked because I thought I’d hidden it quite well. I will do something on my part to overcome it.

I won’t say what these are, and I’m not going to bring up whatever issues that I’ve stated in my posts before (locked now).

Xinling, I know I’ve said this before but I want you to know that I didn’t delete the comment because I hated what you said. In retrospect, what you said was right and I knew it but because I didn’t know how or what to respond, so that was why I did what I did. At times like this, I’m tired to explain myself so that’s why I didn’t want to post a reply back.

Celina, I’m very very glad that you were free on saturday when I decided to call you. I didn’t want to call you initially because I was very afraid that if I called you and you were with you boyfriend, you’d blow me off again like what happened and I don’t know if I could deal with another bout of rejection. Thanks very much for what you said. There was a line you said that struck me deeply. So much so that I can say that was a turning point for me to bring me back to my senses.

Eleen says I have an OCD about taking on excess responsibilities when the others don’t give a damn, in particular towards guilly. So I’ve made up my mind that I shouldn’t do this anymore. I’m very sorry to Tingsoon.

You said before that during the transition period to handing over to MYG that you still need people to help out and volunteer. Actually all the while even after I’ve stepped down I’m still taking on the responsibility and obligation to go down volunteer. I think the breaking point was the NIE incident and I’m really tired of it all, doing all those things for Guilly in general when others don’t feel ‘obliged’ to.

And part of this is because I’m too scared to go tell Germaine, Kenny and Shuting’s mother that there’s nobody who’re willing to take care of them when they go down. So when the exam break is over, I will tell them the whole story, be truthful about it. And on days when I just don’t feel like going guilly for no particular reason, even if it is after exams already and I have nothing to do anyway, I will just be brave and tell her mum that I am not coming down.

Maybe it’s harder for Kenny and Shuting’s mum because whenever they come pick them up they’ll see many volunteers around. Maybe they’ll ask more questions like you have so many people but why can’t they take care of Kenny/Shuting. Then I’ll just have to answer truthfully that because they didn’t volunteer to come take care of them when I post the question up on the yahoogroups anymore.

I guess in this sense then I’ll be freeing myself from alot of stress that I impose on myself because I keep fearing their questions and response. But I don’t care le. After I tell them, I’m not going to be reponsible for their attendance anymore. If people indicate they’re willing to take them, then I’ll ask them to message their parents themselves.

Sorry…I know it’s very extreme of me to do this but I’ve been doing all the work even after I stepped down…and when I hear people saying ‘I wash my hands off guilly’ or such stuff, it makes me wonder why I do all these for…I’m not obliged anymore.

And to all the people from Guilly who’re reading this - if you judge me based on what I’ve written above, and you think I’m very irresponsible…then I’m sorry that you think of me in this way. If you don’t, then, I thank you for not judging me.

I don’t exactly know who reads me but I don’t care anymore. I used to be scared, you know. That if I don’t do those stuff, if I stop taking some responsibility for Guilly, then nobody will do it.  

Maybe all this wouldn’t have happened if I was never made the VPD. But I don’t regret because I learnt alot. But ya…after what that has been said and done…please let me shed all those obligations, whether it was self-imposed or not.

I want my life back.

Regarding the NIE incident, I’m going to close the chapter. If the general consensus is to just pretend nothing has happened, then alright, I can pretend nothing has ever happened. I will do it. And so this is the last time you will see me talking about Guilly and responsibilities together in the same post.

快乐是一种选择，所以我选择快乐。

Now that I’ve gotten this entire load of shit off my chest, I’m going on a self-imposed exile.

Oh yes. Comments disallowed. I finally know how to work that thing, thanks to Wanni. Haha.